


Dungeon Swag

by kittydesade



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-24
Updated: 2010-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-14 00:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/143448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittydesade/pseuds/kittydesade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen secures some of the team's supplies from a unique sort of arms dealer with an eclectic method of determining her clientele.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dungeon Swag

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mynuet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mynuet/gifts).



"No."

"Aw, come on..."

"I said, no. No means no. And if I hear the word 'gazebo' or 'boobarian' or anything involving the phrase 'attacking the darkness' out of any one of you, we're playing poker with a Deck of Many Things."

Swearing all around. Disgruntled player swearing. Disgruntled players threw things.

"Ow!"

"Shut up. Wuss."

Jensen rubbed the tiny red welt on his forehead where the d20 had bounced off. "Man, you people are worse than..." And then he stopped. Eyes down at the dungeon map for a second as he thought about the last time he'd played for weapons, played a simpler game, and how loaded it was to be playing Blind Man's Bluff with Roque in light of what he'd done. Yeah, they'd all been blind, hadn't they.

"Worse than?" The GM arched a very pretty dark eyebrow at him. Jensen looked over at her and grinned his best charming smile, the one he'd learned from Cougar.

"My boss. Just thinking about what he'd be like at a game..." He'd be a Barbarian. Clay would totally be a Barbarian, and Aisha would be the rocking-est Rogue that ever rocked a Sneak Attack bonus.

Maria snorted. "If your team plays, bring them along next time. Be a nice change of pace next to you bunch of unwashed apes..." The rest of the table groaned, some of them glaring at Jensen with good-natured rivalry. The younger man shrugged.

Some more Doritos and half-popped popcorn kernels went airborne until Maria banged her fist on the table and upended all the minis, pausing the game while they figured out who was where. Predictably, Jensen was off by himself.

"So, you guys have lost your mage," Maria commented, picking popcorn grease out from under her fingernails with the tip of her knife. Again, Jensen was uncomfortably reminded of Roque, even if he suspected she did it to keep up with the rest of the room, which was full of very big, very manly men. He compromised by not pointing it out and not looking. She was asking them what they wanted to do anyway, which involved picking a fight with the Orc Warband leader down the hall in one of the main rooms.

"Maybe he'd be a half-orc Barbarian," Jensen mused aloud. The Dwarf Barbarian gave him a funny look. "Not you, my boss."

"If he wants to roll up a character and pull up a chair, feel free to bring him next time." Maria leaned over the map and rapped her knuckles in front of Jensen to get his attention. "Meantime, we have you, o Mage. What are you doing?"

"Uh." He sat up, took his feet off the center bar under the table and looked around. "What's that?"

"That's half a Cheeto."

"Oh. I thought it was a rust monster." He flicked it off the table at the Dwarf Barbarian.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, my bad. So.... um. Yeah, I go down the hall. Eye out for traps, you know, all that good stuff."

Now everyone was staring at him. "Okay, you do remember you're not a Rogue, right?" Maria asked.

"And you have a shitty Reflex save." Haddon pointed out.

"You're just jealous because you all got the orcs and I'm about to get all the treasure." Jensen leaned back, arms spread in an expansive gesture meant to encompass all the treasure he anticipated getting. "Also, you have cheesy dust on your face.

Haddon the Dwarf Barbarian did not raise his hand to brush away the imaginary cheesy dust. His fingers twitched, though. "The signs led down the hall. We read the signs, and..."

"Oh, signs, schmigns, besides, didn't you hear back in the town? The bad guys are skilled at illusion magic. How do you know they weren't making up those signs to lure us into, oh, say, an orc ambush?"

Now there were a couple sour looks being directed his way. But a couple thoughtful looks, too, so it wasn't all bad. "If you knew we were going into an ambush, why didn't you say something?"

"I did. I distinctly remember saying, guys. I think we're going into an ambush."

Silence crawled around the table, broken now and then by Maria rolling a d20 around under her fingertips. Jensen's smile twitched a bit, then started to fade. He glanced over at her.

 _She_ looked like she was trying not to burst out laughing in front of all her players. Well, all right, then.

"All right," she shook her head, straightening up and tucking her feet under her, cross-legged. "You've got two rooms, one left and one right, before the hall keeps going. Take your pick."

"Uh..." He licked his lips, grimaced out of one side of his mouth, clicked his tongue for a second or five. "Left."

"Left. Is that your final answer?"

"Yes!" Jensen, the Dwarf Barbarian, and the Wild Elf Druid all chorused. The Wild Elf Druid was kind of sulky because he hadn't gotten to do much in the underground coastal dungeon. Which Jensen kind of thought was his own fault for not taking advantage of the one hour tweak-your-character amnesty, but hey.

"All right. Give me a Reflex save."

Jensen groaned, almost loud enough to drown out the snickering, too. Thank god for high rolls. "Twenty two?"

Maria thought about that for a second. "O-kay..." Dice clattered behind her folded hands. He was pretty sure she was doing it just to bother him or make him nervous or something. "All right, you save for half damage. Five points."

"Five? I'm a first level..."

"You want to try the other door?"

Jensen shut his mouth, mumbling out of one side. "I'm good with five points."

"All right. You get in, it's about a twelve by fifteen room, nothing major. You see two chests opposite the door, and a weapons rack on the wall to either side."

He wrote that down. "Racks... chest..."

"Two chests."

"Chests. So that was a booby trap." Then he ducked under the hail of doritos and what felt like an empty soda can. "I search... no, wait! I cast Detect Magic. Anything standing out in the room?"

Maria leaned back behind her and dug around in her backpack that hung off the back of the chair until she found what she was looking for. "Are you going to search the whole room?" she called over her shoulder.

"If I have to, yeah. I can hit the locks with a rock if I have to, spring the traps early, I just want to find out if there's anything worthwhile in there before I go getting my other five hit points singed off my skin. If I can. If not..." Jensen thought about that for a second. "If not, hell, it's not worth it, I'll come back later when I've got the Rogue with me."

"Just the Rogue?" the person in question murmured. Jensen grinned at him. Haddon the Dwarf Barbarian grumbled, and Jensen slipped one hand into his pocket to start hitting the speed dial for Cougar's phone. If this guy was going to be a problem, he didn't really feel like getting jumped behind the building after the game.

"All right. There's a couple things of value on the racks, the chests aren't going to budge for rocks, though, you'll have to get a set of lockpicks there. Or risk them being trapped." But Maria sent a piece of paper winging his way. A piece of paper with a storage locker key taped to it. "On the rack you've got a Bow of Fire +2 and a quiver full of enchanted flame arrows, the other one has a couple Masterwork Swords with Keen Edge on them."

RPG with some ammo and a couple of high-average end rifles. Well, he had Cougar's and Aisha's Christmas presents all sorted. "Score." Jensen folded the paper around the storage locker key and tucked it in his back pocket. Barbarian and Druid were staring. He ignored them in favor of flashing his charming smile for the GM again. "Why thank you, o kind and benevolent dungeon-mistress."

She grinned back at him, beautiful dark eyes under lashes lowered just long enough for him to catch her _other_ meaning. Why were all the women arms dealers so damn hot? "You're welcome, little Mage."

Little?

Hell. Jensen looked down at the table, fiddled with a corner of his character sheet and tried not to grin too much. Wouldn't do to upset the other players and get his character killed, after all, he meant to come back here. He still couldn't resist the last whisper as everyone turned their attention to the (likely fruitless) orc battle. "Score."

**Author's Note:**

> Deepest apologies if this was too jargon-heavy; I took the nerdiness portion of the prompt and may have run a bit too far.


End file.
